Sex and Emotional Closeness.

Many couples therapists believe that if they tackle emotional issues like communication, trust, and division of household tasks, then a better sex life will follow. However, in most cases, this assumption is false, particularly for women whose libido tends to decrease within monogamy. The fallacy that emotional closeness universally increases sex drive in women creates a vicious cycle whereby the woman assumes that her partner isn't sensitive enough or that they need even MORE couples counselling before she will somehow magically get into the mood for sex. Unfortunately, sex never gets directly addressed and worked on concretely.

The real link between emotional closeness and sex is that if the partner with a lower libido feels closer, they are much more likely to get into the headspace of trying to work on the sex life and more willing to try to have sex. Women have responsive desire, so they can't often get turned on at all until sex starts. If they are so resentful toward their partner that they are unwilling to even try to kiss them or lay down together, their desire may lie dormant forever. Women often blame their partner's behaviour for their lack of desire instead of acknowledging their own biology.

To address sexual issues effectively, both the higher- and lower-libido partners must be equally invested in therapy. Therefore, couples need to learn that physical touch is just as important a love language, if not more important, as whatever the other partner's love language is. In contrast to many couples counsellors who focus solely on emotional closeness to the exclusion or diminution of sex issues, the best approach is to tackle sex at the start of couples counselling and treat it as its own issue deserving of equal focus.

Here are some ways to ensure sex is an equal focus immediately within counselling:

- Assign books about sex to be read alongside books about other types of closeness.

- Educate both partners about how female desire works within monogamy and normalise female sexual response and fantasies, or lack thereof.

- Explore what has worked and what hasn't with prior partners.

- Discuss ways to increase libido and pragmatically change women's physiological responses, especially if she is Highly Sensitive.

- Consider consulting with medical providers about hormone testing/treatment, as well as changing medications without sexual side effects.

- Model how to directly discuss sexual issues, something that many couples have never done.

Only when sexual issues are addressed alongside emotional issues can the partner who is sexually dissatisfied engage deeply in therapy. It is essential to validate both partners and hear their needs to make progress in the relationship. If you have struggled with feeling vastly different levels of validation and empathy from a more traditional couples counsellor, try a different type of therapist who understands the importance of addressing sexual issues and sees the reciprocal relationships between sex, communication, trust, and love.

Remember that this blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. This is only an opinion, based on the background, training, and experience of a counsellor and person. All examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.