When You and Your Partner Have Different Parenting Values

As you and your partner consider having a baby, you might assume that you both share similar parenting views and values. However, conflicting values often arise when the child arrives, causing tension between partners. Based on my experience as a counsellor, I have observed that partners usually disagree on three areas of values: how much to protect the child from the world, how much to interact with extended family, and the prioritisation of children versus the couple.

The first area of conflict is usually about protection. One partner may be anxious about the child's safety, while the other may promote a more free, unafraid worldview. While I generally believe that the less anxious parent is promoting a healthier way of being for the child, it is essential to find a middle ground between overprotection and laxity. If your disagreement stems from projecting marital discord onto your parenting, couples therapy can help you get to the root of the problem before your kids feel they have to choose sides.

Interaction with extended family is another hot button issue that can cause conflicts between partners. Sometimes, partners feel boxed out of parenting by the other's family, leading to in-law conflicts. Couples therapy can help find a compromise that balances both partners' desires to be independent while staying involved with their family members.

The third major issue is the relative prioritisation of the couple versus the family, whether it be in-laws or children. Often, a partner who felt ignored in their family of origin may over focus on their kids, leading to anxiety and stress that can put the marriage at risk. It's crucial to maintain a healthy balance between being a parent and a partner. In some cases, one partner may not understand the other's emotional attachment to the child, causing empathic ruptures. Couples therapy can help you navigate these differences and prevent them from causing long-term bitterness and disconnection.

If you're experiencing conflicts in your marriage due to different parenting values, couples therapy can be a beneficial tool to find a compromise that works for both partners. It's crucial to address these issues early on before they escalate into bigger problems that can harm your relationship.